Cough, Wheeze, Snort--And A Milestone Is Shattered

As my hairdresser said today, "I hope you didn't get that bronchial thing that's going around."

BINGO.

And so, yes...my long-standing record fell. In the 26 years I've worked here, I've called in sick only once and technically, I wasn't even sick that time--it was more of a jet-lag thing circa 1988 which I insist does NOT count.

I even got up, showered, and dressed yesterday morning, then thought...what the hell am I doing? Just because I felt immeasurably better than on the day prior, didn't mean I was firing on all pistons. (Okay, and to be honest, I went home early on Friday. Like at 10 a.m.)

So instead, I dragged myself into what the health care system calls "extended care" and sat with all the rest of the germ-laden sickees. Bottom line: bronchitis (but, yay! no pneumonia!). And with a couple scripts in hand, I am now well on my way back to Randyworld. (I have to admit it occurs to me that were I still a spring chicken, I probably would have toughed this all out, but oh well...at some point, I guess I clearly must give in to middle age.)

Anyway, I spent the time sleeping and watching a WHOLE LOT of TV which, thank God, kept me well entertained. And at odd moments, I began to compile the following list, so here now...

THE ADVANTAGES TO BEING SINGLE WHEN YOU'RE SICK

• You can moan and groan all you like without feeling like a pathetic loser
• You can toss used tissue wherever you like, including into the growing mound on the opposite side of the bed
• In fact, the opposite side of the bed is useful for holding many essential items, e.g. reading glasses, thermometer, washcloth, remote
• You needn't put the caps back on pill bottles (this saves a lot of energy, trust me)
• You don't have to eat boring stuff like chicken soup and jello
• Instead you can eat whatever you crave, like ice cream cones and pizza
• You can look even more decrepit than you normally look when you wake up
  
• You can watch TV all night long
• You can take as many hot baths as you like without hearing someone say, "another one?"
• You can drink Nyquill right out of the bottle, saving you from having to clean that little plastic cup
• You can talk yourself into believing any medication you happen to have around the house is certainly within its expiration date
• You can throw stuff on the floor when your nightstand gets too cluttered with other medicinal debris

This has been a public service announcement intended to reach all the whiny single people out there who wallow in depression when they're sick.