Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Things That Go R-r-r-r-ring in the Night

So I'm in the middle of a dream...something about being held captive by a rather handsome bad-boy from whom an old high school guy friend is trying to free us. Then that escapade is suddenly over and I'm reading a report of prescriptions I've used. (Sidenote: WTF?)

Suddenly the doorbell rings.

The dream, I think.

Or was it?

Is there anything worse than waking from a dream to wonder if what woke you was part of the dream or based in reality??

I don't move a muscle, remaining as silent as possible while my heart beats out of my chest.

No sound.

I picture myself coming in from the grocery store earlier with bags under each arm. I picture that flick of the lock that didn't quite engage all the way.

Is my front door securely LOCKED???

Finally, after ten minutes, I tip toe to the extra bedroom--the one with a window overlooking the driveway and street. (Naturally, I can't get real close to it since there's a host of computer debris standing in the way.) Careful not to make any noise, I twist the blinds open and bend into an interesting contortion in order to look outside.

Nothing I can see but fog...but then my roof obscures much of the view.

Decide to bite the bullet and creep downstairs where I peer through the peephole. (Is there a more useless invention?? I can't make out SHIT through that thing.)

Meanwhile, I wonder if someone is standing silently on the other side of the door.

Thump, thump, thump. (That's my heart, not the possible doorbell ringer.)

In the darkness, I do the Helen Keller thing, waiting to feel the familiar shape of the deadbolt. Seems to be in the proper position.

I stealth my way back upstairs and sit on the bed. Think about posting something on Facebook but don't wanna freak out people on the east coast who might be up reading it.

Don't turn on the TV because I wanna be able to hear every last sound.

The minutes drag on...then they turn to hours...and I finally fall asleep, only to wake up late for work.

Sometimes it SUCKS to be single.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Flashback Friday

From October in 2007

25 Other Letters--Pick One

Years ago, back in another lifetime, I worked for the company that syndicated The Richard Simmons Show (yes, darlings--it was my big brush with, er, "celebrity").

Anyway, I handled the 10 million dollars worth of advertising placed with us, and we retained 2-1/2 minutes of of commercial time, so that meant placing 5 spots somewhere in the show each day, five days a week, for the period of the buy which was 3 months. Simple, right? Except our biggest account was General Foods, and their contract stipulated a specific requirement: no bumping up next to other ads that would make the consumer go, "euw"...

In other words, no scheduling our Preparation H commercials to lead into Cheerios.

Which got me to thinking yesterday...here in California we have something on the ballot called Propostion H. Now, without even knowing what it's about, I'm not sure I can vote for something called Proposition H. I mean, couldn't they have picked another letter? Every time an ad comes on for it, I start laughing and I miss what the issue is.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Do Writers Dream Differently?

"Other people's dreams," my father used to tell me, "are the most boring stories in the world."

Well, folks. Prepare for boredom--'cuz I just have to write this one down.

So there I was, gambling at a (non-existent) local casino, playing slots. All of a sudden, my machine froze, bright lights blinked on and off, and a sign flashed "BIG WINNER."

Clearly, I'd hit something huge. Now, this being a dream and all, I couldn't quite make out HOW huge. I kept trying to count the numbers...place a comma or a decimal point somewhere. The best I could make out, I'd either won hundreds of dollars or thousands.

Being a seasoned gambler, I waited patiently for the gaming clerk to arrive for the payout. Eventually, a young woman showed up, asked for my I.D., and departed to obtain my winnings.

She returned with my I.D. and a small envelope. I peeked inside, retrieved a check and zeroed in on the amount: EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!

Yikes! (In my dream state, I'm pretty sure my heart rate skyrocketed.)

Meanwhile, I called Ann and Marty, telling them to get down to the casino--exciting things were happening. I pulled out the check again, to bask in all its glory and discovered...huh?? Wha...happened? Instead of seeing MY name as the Payee, I saw "Delores Willings."

After a brief moment of panic, I calmed down. Mistakes happen, I reasoned. Somehow they typed in the wrong person's name. Immediately, I set about trying to rectify the situation, starting with using the "need service" button on the slot machine.

When that didn't summon anyone, I went in search of "security," and found myself re-routed several times. Finally, Ann and Marty showed up and I reached inside my purse to show them the check...only THIS time, only the stub was left.

The check was GONE!

Another mysterious turn of events!

After mulling the situation over, I figured out the nefarious scheme to which I'd obviously been subjected--the old I.D. switcheroo. To wit: when I sent my I.D. with the casino clerk, this Delores chick somehow intercepted the transaction, substituting HER I.D. for mine so that the check would be made out to her. Then she stole the check from my purse (not sure why she left the stub).

If my theory were to prove correct, I would now discover my I.D. missing...and sure enough, it was gone. Because, I reasoned, the one returned to me was not mine but Delores's. And along with the 80 thousand smackers, she'd retrieved her I.D.

Totally bummed, I finally located the Head of Security. With a sad smile, he reached inside his breast pocket and produced my driver's license.

"Looking for this?" he asked.

End of dream.

Weird, huh? Pretty detailed. And a handsome show of analytical powers, eh?

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Lose It!

Hey, remember my FIVE FOR FALL quest? This week I downloaded an APP to my Droid to make things more interesting. It's called "Lose It!" and--best of all--it's free!

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know we've all done the food logs, the exercise logs, the calorie counting. But this APP actually makes it kinda fun!

First you enter all your info--gender, age, weight, goal, etc. Then it even asks you how many pounds you wanna lose per week and by when, taking that data and calculating how many calories you can have per day.

Next you start entering your intake, and this is the interesting part. For instance, at lunch I eat one of Amy's organic burritos. It asks me: "Search for food?" Or "Scan barcode?" Why, SCAN BARCODE of course, because how much FUN is that? Ding ding, click click, shutter snap and voila! All the nutrition for my burrito shows up on my phone and it's one keystroke from there to put it into my daily total. Better yet, I only have to do it once--when I eat an Amy's burrito again, I just call it up from my food list.

Meanwhile, my daily log automatically updates to display how many calories I have left for the day.

And, yep. When you enter exercise, it adds calories available back in! (Talk about visual incentive for hopping on the ol' Dreadmill!)

So I suppose y'all are waiting for an update on my progress since announcing my Five For Fall quest here. Um...well...as of yesterday, I'd lost about two pounds.

Today they had returned.


Hey I'm no newbie at this. I know weight fluctuates--and I also know my ancient scale is slightly demented.

I shall persevere!!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Not What I'd Call Progress

I said stay tuned, didn't I?

Well, fell free to change the channel cuz I ain't got nuthin' to report. Oh, I tried. Truly, I did.

On Saturday morning when I'm more apt to have...say...spaghetti...or popcorn maybe...for breakfast, I had friggin' oatmeal. And may I say there's something about eating it at home that turns it into a 3-slurp meal? (What's up with that?)

For lunch I had a half a sandwich, not a whole one.

And then...okay...the big downfall. Blogreader Joe took me to my favorite restaurant for a belated birthday dinner. BUT. We split EVERYTHING. Doesn't that count at all?? Half a Caprese salad, half an order of steamed-friggin-broccoli, half an order of salmon...half an order of garlic mashed potatoes...okay, so maybe that last bit did me in. (Not to mention the signature dessert BUTTER CAKE with fresh whipped cream they brought for free on account of Blogreader Joe being so testy about things.) Still...when I would have had an Irish coffee, I ordered a Vodka tonic instead. Doesn't that mean anything to the Diet Gods???

Okay, so how about the 20-less-calorie per slice whole wheat bread I bought. Or the 10-calorie crap masquerading as healthy mayo?

Oh! Oh! And I only had ONE serving of everything at Ann's house for dinner on Sunday night and--much to her consternation and dismay--I PASSED on what she called CAKE "that's really very light."


Huge sigh.

Yep. You guessed it.

For the week...................I GAINED ONE POUND.

Obviously, more desperate measures are called for.

Friday, October 07, 2011

Flashback Friday

Wow...today the random date generator takes us far back into the earliest days of my blog! February 11, 2005 to be precise. That seems like FOREVER ago, doesn't it?? So without further ado...here's what was going on in the mind of Randyland back then....

Shhh...Don't Tell Anyone...

...but, I love the rain.

Hey, I’m born and raised in Southern California where every damn day looks like the next, so give me a break. You know how sleep deprivation makes you hallucinate? Well, too many sunny days in a row has the same effect. People need a little down time from all that relentless cheer. It wouldn’t be so bad if we had those puffy white things they call clouds. But noooooo….nothing but blue skies for days on end. Enough to drive a person nuts.

Don’t get me wrong. Southern Californians are an embarrassment when it rains. All the local TV stations go on STORM WATCH (in that James Earl Jones kinda voice), we drive too fast (or too slow) and we still dress in t-shirts and shorts. Umbrellas? Raincoats? What are they for? By the time we could dig them out from under the bellbottoms and platforms, the rain’s over so why bother?

Don’t be fooled by the Rose Bowl telecast—our weather is simply not what it’s cracked up to be. Sure, we can surf in the morning and snow ski in the afternoon, but who needs all that sun and exercise? Certainly not Southern Californians who spend half their time in the gym and the other half in the tanning salon.

Yes, rain spells relief from 365 days of pure monotony, and the only people who bitch about it are transplanted New Yorkers and homeowners with leaky roofs.

One more thing…Betcha don't know the best part about Southern California rainstorms, do ya?...Give up? Okay, I'll spill: when they're over, for at least three or four days, the L. A. River actually contains water.

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Five For Fall

Okay, so I realize the title of this blog is Randy Writes Romance, but hey. It's MY blog. Deal with it.

Five For Fall refers to my current mantra...as in, my commitment to lose five pounds per month (roughly over Fall--hence the name) before my next cruise. I mean, really. Clearly, that's an obtainable goal, right?

I plan to use my blog to report in on all the little things I'm doing to get there. Er, as you can see, I'm a little late in beginning, but oh well.

On Monday, I hit the treadmill (first time in weeks) for 25 minutes. At my stepmom's house for dinner that night, I drank one small glass of wine instead of two. Oh, and I ditched the scoops of tuna (loaded with mayo, no doubt) on my Subway salad. (By the way, my new go-to for fast food! The Subway salad bar.)

On Tuesday, let's see...I'm sure I took another fabulous step toward slimosity. Ha. New word. Can't remember what it was, though.

Last night, I DRAGGED myself onto the treadmill again, DESPITE coming up with excellent excuses to avoid it just moments before. AND, during the workday, I continuously walked back and forth past the most DIVINE smelling bagels a vendor had brought in.

Today I skipped oatmeal for breakfast. Yeah, I know...that's the wrong direction, but still. Less calories! (I'm in that obstinate minority who refuses to believe in the whole eat-more-often-to-keep-the-metabolism-going group.)

So there you have my progress thus far. Five measly pounds a month is all I ask. Trust me, fifteen pounds by late December would make ALL the difference in what clothes I take along to the Caribbean.

Stay tuned....

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Ashley's Homecoming Night!

For my friends and family not on Facebook, we now take a break from our regularly scheduled program (ha--if indeed I was blogging regularly or on any kinda schedule) to bring you photos of my great-niece Ashley on the night she was crowned Homecoming Queen!

Ashley and brother Jake

Left to right: Proud grandmother Polly with arm around little brother Zac, mother and former Homecoming Queen herself Jamie, Ashley, dad Jon, brother Jake, and aunt Mindy