Where Have I Been?

As a public service to my non-California readers, I thought I should mention some terminology with which I, for one, was unfamiliar.

It comes to us courtesy of one Gigi Goyette, a masseuse based out of Ohio, now living in Malibu. According to Ms. Goyette, once a year, over the past twenty, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger has partaken of her services to relieve stress. Now, I know being Arnold probably entails a lot of mental anguish, but I’m a bit surprised to learn he had to go all the way to Ohio to obtain the proper therapy.

At least, I was surprised...then I heard Ms. Goyette offers something I hadn’t heard of before (whether to all her clients, or merely Mr. S I’m not sure).

It’s called outercourse.

At first, I thought “outercourse” was something she made up, but no. It’s right there in the Wikipedia:

“Outercourse is sexual activity that does not involve penetration. No bodily fluids are intended to be exchanged, and outercourse is therefore often considered a practice of safer sex as well as of birth control.”

"Some practices of outercourse include oral sex, sexual roleplaying, heavy petting, clothed frotteurism, and mutual masturbation."

Frotteurism? Jesus, who knew? (Look it up yourself like I had to.) Then there’s axillary intercourse which involves putting the penis in someone’s armpit. Yep, you read that right. Armpit. Can't you just picture Arnold's...oh, never mind.

Anyway, Ms. Goyette claims she and Arnold only indulged in outercourse (much to Maria’s relief, I’m sure).

All I wanna know now is this: How come this word wasn't around when President Clinton was in office?

Can't you picture him saying: “I did not have outercourse with that woman”?