Memo To Donald Trump

Got an idea for ya, hon. Now, as we all know—and believe me, the notion terrifies us!—pageant TV ratings have been swirling the basin for some time. (Witness this year’s unthinkable tragedy of Miss USA resorting to—shudder—the Country Music Television Network!) That’s why I appeal to you, the current custodian of this American institution, to DO SOMETHING BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.

Here’s the deal. Remember the GM advertising campaign that went something like: “It’s not your father’s Oldsmobile”? (Okay, bad example. I just googled that and discovered it was one of the biggest flops of all time.)

Whatever. Nevertheless. The truth is, it's time to revamp the pageant franchise for a new generation...with lessons from the past and present.

See, I grew UP on the things. I remember when the shows weren't one-shot deals squeezed in between the national and local news. I remember when they were week-long, nightly, EVENTS. Way back then--yes, I'm talking the 50's and 60's--over the course of "pageant week," we inevitably chose our favorites, rooting them on for the length of the competition.

Hm. Kinda like some other shows I can think of.

Yep, girls in my generation grew up wanting to be Miss America. Now they wanna be the next American Idol....the winning bachelorette...the Survivor.

See, Donald...here's the thing: what's better television? Beautiful women answering lame questions about how to save the world, or beautiful women eating bugs? Huh? I rest my case.

Well, no I don't. I got more. What's better television? Beautiful women on stage in bathing suits, or beautiful women in bikinis showering together under a waterfall? I rest my case.

Well, no I don't. I got more. What's better television? Beautiful women in evening gowns, or beautiful women with tear-streaked faces lamenting lost love? Huh?

Finally, in this day and age, thank GOD, it doesn't have to be about beautiful women. I mean, it doesn't even have to be about WOMEN period. Yes, Donald...I'm saying it's time to allow men into the Miss America pageant. (And after all the bitching we've done about Augusta National, I can't believe some guy hasn't already made a stink about this.)

Anyway, what I'm saying is, call up your buddy Mark Burnett (after all, he's not saddled with The Apprentice anymore) and see if you guys can turn Miss America and Miss Universe into the reality shows they TRULY USED TO BE.

And if I've failed to convince you, just snag a copy of American Idol's finale show and fast forward to the last few minutes. Watch Jordin Sparks, in her pageant-like evening gown, get "crowned" the new American Idol.

I'm telling ya, Don. The only thing missing is the tiara.