Now Here This

I don’t have ONE fashion bone in my body…which will not come as a news flash to anyone who knows me.

But if I were made Queen of All Fashion (and, I believe this is something the world should seriously consider), here are a few of the laws I would enact to which all fashionistas would have to adhere:

1. Thou shalt pick ONE hemline and be done with it. Personally, I prefer a couple inches above the knee, so as Queen of All Fashion, that’s what we’re going with.

2. Thou shalt pick one heel and one toe for shoes. Personally, I prefer about three inches, spiked, with a moderately pointed toe. Absolutely, positively, under no circumstances, should one more pair of platform shoes EVER be manufactured.

3. Thou shalt decide once and for all: skinny, straight-legged jeans or wide, bell-bottomed jeans. Being a reasonable person, I shall allow this one to be decided by American Idol voters. While, we’re at it, let’s figure out the waistline—hip-hugger or high-rise.

4. Thou shalt settle on one size purse—either gargantuan or small.

5. Thou shalt spend 80% of design time and 95% of advertising dollars on fashions for middle-aged women with post-pubescent bodies. (Make that waaaaay post-pubescent.)

6. Men, I haven’t forgotten you, although I’m really not that interested in your attire. I figure if what you’re wearing is CLEAN, we’re all ahead of the game. But just to demonstrate my evenhandedness, I proclaim that within one year of my ascendancy to the throne, all ties and lapels shall be narrow (whether aesthetically pleasing or not, we’re going for what’s easiest to remember, here).

7. Exceptions. Yes, there will be exceptions. The one I have in mind relates to hair. Some women have curly hair, some have board-straight. I propose that for the first six months of the year, we go with the former, and the second six months, the latter. Give everyone equal time to feel like crap about themselves.

In addition, seasonal variations will be observed; however it should be noted that people who stick to summer attire without regard to geographical location shall be considered "fashion-forward."

Finally, this list is not all-inclusive and may be added to at any time by decree at the capricious whim of the Fashion Queen.