Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Re-Inventing Randy Part V

I have a theory about cosmetic surgery that I formed back in 1978 when I paid to have a power sander grind off several layers of my face in a procedure known as dermabrasion.

As favorable as the end result may be, you usually end up with something you didn't have before that'll bug you almost as much as the stuff you just fixed. I call this unforeseen collateral damage, and in that instance, it was a nifty set of scars along my jawline visible mainly when I got any sun. (So visible that, on occasion, people asked me what's that on your face? Yeah, subtle. And so polite.)

Anyway, it's too early to tell what the collateral damage of this recent go-round will be as far as the face goes (although I have to say, I'm LOVING the progress--pictures soon!), but, geez. New theory. The propensity for the rest of your body to fall apart is in direct proportion to your age at the time of the procedure.

Because...first of all...my HIP is killing me. And unless I'm mistaken, the hip bone is NOT connected to any facial bones that I know of. No, the pain in my hip is from having to sleep sitting upright (which, nevertheless, I gladly did after hearing the horror story of an acquaintance who somehow neglected to follow this particular direction and ended up having blood pool to one side of her face, thereby causing all KINDS of complications). But, wow. No amount of pillows, arranged any which way, relieved the discomfort of my poor hip.

Permit me to compare and contrast:

















Fig 1. Correct Post-op Position

Now let's look at the way I USUALLY sleep:













Fig 2. Normal sleep position (aerial view)

I call this the Swastika position which, while unfortunate, is quite apt, as I think you'll agree, and serves well to explain the hip discomfort.

Oh, and guess what else? The borderline tweakiness in my wrist went completely wonky after a week of hoisting my poor hip on, off, and around the bed, so I'm wearing one of these.

But, hey...a small price to pay for the way I'm looking these days. (Sorry, you'll just have to wait for a current photo--meanwhile, content yourself with one from waaaaaaaaaaay back on Day Four.) Suffice to say, I've come A LONG WAY, Baby!

1 comment:

Carol Burnside said...

I wanna see NOW pix. How many days has it been? Can't wait to see you at Nat'l. Is Brooke coming too?