Quote: There Will Be A Hundred More Oops

Let’s get one thing straight from the get-go.

I’m not proud of spending an hour watching Matt Lauer’s interview with Britney Spears. After all, I dragged myself away from something much worthier of my time—So You Think You Can Dance.

What explains our (well, my) fascination?

I dunno. Call it curiosity. Call it the train wreck syndrome. How many 24-year old women do YOU know who are worth $100 million?

Anyway, if I were one of Brit’s gal pals, here’s the advice I’d give her:

1. Honey, bone up on those Jessica Simpson Pro-Active commercials and phone in an order—your complexion looks like you’re hankering for a job at MacDonalds.

2. Surely you must still own maternity clothes from the last pregnancy. If not, invest in new stuff that fits. Big boobs aren’t always sexy, dear. Especially when they resemble globs of flab.

3. What was up with the clump of mascara forming an upside down apostrophe on your right eye? I looked for a matching clump on your left—y’know, thinking I’d missed a trend—but, couldn’t find one.

4. Three words: Ditch the gum. No one—I repeat, no one (except maybe NASCAR drivers and baseball players)—looks good chomping gum like a cow chewing its cud.

5. Check into the meaning of the word responsibility. For good measure, while you’ve got the dictionary out (it’s that big book with words listed alphabetically), flip on over to accountability (it starts with an A). Some day, when the paparazzi are all gone, you’re gonna need a way to explain the boo boos in your life. These two words may come in handy.

You know, to be honest, the more I watched, the sorrier I felt for Britney. (Yeah, pity for someone worth $100 mill always makes me a little queasy.) She may not be a rocket scientist but she’s not evil, either.

At the end of the interview, Matt Lauer asked if she wished the paparazzi would leave her alone. With tears streaming down her face, she nodded and said she just wanted them to give her respect and privacy.

I say, be careful what you wish for, Britney. Stardom is a crapshoot, even when you’ve managed to achieve it once. By the time you release the next album, another Britney will have come along, and unless you reinvent yourself a la Madonna, your days as a celebrity are probably over.

Invest the 100 million wisely. Enjoy your kids in peace and quiet.

And remember this is what you wanted. It’s probably what Tiffany and Debbie Gibson wanted, too.