!*?@& Words

I’m this close (pinching thumb and index finger together) to shoving my requested manuscript in the mail. It’s been a long, tough, haul—punctuated by birthday celebrations, weekend getaways, and a two-week bout with bronchitis.

But I’m almost there!!!!

Now, as a public service to my fellow writers, today I thought I’d offer this handy tip sheet of word substitutions for anyone submitting to a publisher that doesn’t allow the good stuff. Caution: some are contextually sensitive.

Instead of “Shit”…use…“No way” (I refuse to use “shoot”)
Instead of “Bitch”…use…“obnoxious”
Instead of “Crap”…use…“crud” or “stuff”
Instead of “Screw it”…use…“Forget it”
Instead of “Hell”…use… “heck”
Instead of “Damn”…use…“darn” (or delete altogether because who actually says darn?)
Instead of “Bastard”…use… “louse” or “pig”

As for body parts during sex…ha, no problem. The house I’m submitting to doesn’t allow premarital sex, so delete, delete, delete.

So, here’s an example:

Ava surveyed the room littered with Jess’s crap.
Shit. What a bastard.
Well, screw it. He could clean the goddamn mess himself.

Ava surveyed the room littered with Jess’s stuff.
No way. What a pig.
Well, forget it. He could clean up the mess himself.

Voila! Squeaky clean prose! (Although personally, I prefer the original version)