Tuesday, March 18, 2008

In Case You Needed Additional Proof...

...of my schizoid tendencies, consider this:

I get home last night (from St. Patrick's Day festivities--hey, I may not be Irish but when the observance takes place at a Mexican restaurant, I'm all about multiculturalism), and I settle in with the premier episode of the latest American travesty known as "The Bachelor."

First, I'd like to go on record as saying, pip pip. Jolly good choice.

Tall? Check. (Six foot five)
Nice family? Check. (Youngest of five brothers)
Professional? Check. (Investment banker)
Looking for love? Oh, check. (The usual drivel about finding an amazing soul mate rolls of this guy's tongue with an English accent, making him even more believable than all previous bachelors 'cuz as everyone knows, anything said with an English accent must be true. Just ask Margaret Thatcher.)

Anyway, so I'm digging the bachelor, waiting to see the lovelies arrive, but we cut to commercial, so I flip on over to MSNBC...

...where I catch the beginning of "The Lockup"--a show about two guys in a maximum security prison somewhere in the south. In seconds, I'm hooked.

But then...wait! What about the lovelies?

I switch back.

At the entrance to the L.A. mansion, The Bachelor welcomes a couple dozen women, thanking them for coming and promising to catch up with them later inside. Although he's "blown away" by how far the contestants--excuse me, future brides--exceed his expectations, I'm left a bit underwhelmed. In fact, I honestly don't see a special sparkle in the bunch.

Over to The Lockup.

...and a guy who, when he was twenty, settled a debt in a most unique way. "I kept trying to get him to pay me back and one day he said 'over my dead body' so I got a rifle and and I killed him."

Back to The Bachelor.

...where one of the ladies has a special song for her potential mate. Um...let's just say she isn't American Idol material. Then, another one hauls out a case from which she produces and assembles a...yes, it's a clarinet. After pointing out the reed and describing how one needs to wet it properly or it doesn't work (said without any hint of double entendre) she serenades our hero with a short, melodic piece. He claims to be in awe, but I'm pretty sure he's thinking: WTF...?

Back to The Lockup.

The prisoner in question's been in solitary (oh, did I mention he killed another guy while incarcerated??--yep, a debt issue again), for something like 19 years. Yet, he doesn't come across scary or weird. Maybe a little bitter. A little angry. But mostly, what he wants is a transfer to a prison closer to his mother. An interview with Mom reveals a horrible childhood with lots of abuse (both of her and her son) on the part of a father/husband. She assumes responsibility for not having found a way to get the guy out of their lives, but claims she didn't have anywhere else to go. Now she tries to visit her son as often as possible but the distance, expense, and limited time off from work restrict her to twice a year.

Meanwhile, over at The Bachelor, a woman bites into an aluminum can, tearing off a piece for the future love of her life and he promises to keep it in a place of honor.

Prisoner guy screws up and doesn't get his transfer.

One of the ladies (?) donates a pair of panties to the Bachelor, and one passes out, snoring, on a bed. I'm thinking that by the end of the show, he may wanna trade places with the guy in prison doing life in solitary confinement.


John said...

You should write a column. You are missing your calling.

Randy said...

Ha. Thanks for the compliment, but I'm in awe of the much more highly talented bloggers I read every day. Hm. Maybe I should make a new list here on the old blog to acquaint everyone with them. Okay, I'm putting it on the to-do list.