How To Lose 8 Pounds in 8 Easy Steps

(Dedicated to Steph at http://www.stephanieelliot.blogspot.com)

1. First, as any seasoned veteran knows, the scale should be on carpeting, not tile or linoleum. (2 pounds!)

2. Weigh first thing in the morning. Never, ever eat or drink anything before getting on the scale. You wanna take advantage of that overnight dehydration. (2 more pounds!)

3. Pee first. (see item 2 above) And, preferably, get drunk the night before. (We’re up to 6!)

4. Do not shower or wash your hair because a) even the hint of moisture may affect the deyhydration factor and b) all that water in your hair has gotta weigh you down.

5. Never, ever, leave one iota of clothing on. Not PJ’s, not slippers. Remove any hair clips or bobby pins.

6. Do NOT jump on the scale. This is a delicate operation. Step as lightly as possible; try to imagine you’re a feather.

7. While stepping (LIGHTLY, I SAID) on the scale, grasp whatever’s handy (bathroom counter, shower stall) on either side of you, making sure to exert a lot of pressure. See? Keeps the scale very low.

8. Now, ever-so-slowly, start to lighten the pressure of your hands. Watch the scale inch up. If done correctly, this method results in about a two pound difference verus the jumping on method. (Woo Hoo! 8 pounds!)

Scales vary. If, after completing steps one through eight above, you are still dissatisfied, consider purchasing a new one. Through diligent research, you should be able to find a model that’s off by about eight pounds. Good luck!


Diet update: no change; still 3 pounds down—think I’ll tie one on tonight.