Welcome To My Morning

…and, all I can say is: Euw. Yuck. Gross.

No, wait. I can say more: Barf. Blecch. Vomit.

Okay, that’s better. Gettting closer.

So, here’s what happened: I walk into my office about 8 a.m. and…what, you may ask, draws my attention right off the bat?

Well, how about the pile of shredded paper on the floor next to my desk, for starters?

My gaze travels upward to the left-side drawer which, crammed full of crap, doesn’t close all the way, so there’s about a four inch opening. In one corner of the crap, right in front, is a hollowed-out hole.

Euw, euw, euw.

A mouse (a rat?) has been there!!

And either he’s been reading up on identity theft, or he’s makin’ a nest, ‘cuz that part of the desk looks like the Vegas Strip after New Year’s.

My first thought is to get one of the factory guys to come get the drawer and dump it. Better yet, burn it. Who needs decades worth of pay stubs and bank statements?

But, on further inspection, and with a sinking heart, I realize instant disposal ain’t the answer. For instance, staring at me from it’s gnawed off envelope, is the pink slip to one of my cars. Probably wouldn’t wanna throw that away.

Huge sigh. Nope. I’m gonna have to sift through every piece of Hanta virus-stained paper myself.

Bring on the plastic gloves.

An hour later, there are three stacks on my desk: 1) banks statements, tainted or not, to be placed in a box, 2) a zillion pay stubs for the shredder, and 3) interesting stuff to make decisions about. You know, like scores from the singles bowling league I belonged to circa 1990—hey, my average was 142!—not bad…birthday cards from Joe—did you really mean those things you said??

…and blah, blah, blah.

Have I mentioned that neither of my assistants showed up this morning, so when the phone rings, I have to whip off the gloves so as not to leave rat residue on the keypad??

Grrrrr.

So, little guy. I hate to break it to you, but your days (hours!!!) are so numbered. Do you see those little wood squares with metal springs sitting on my desk? How do you feel about peanut butter? Ya hungry? Huh?

Snap!!