Ho-hum. Yawn.

That pretty much sums up my reaction to the Academy Awards last night. Oh, sure…glad Jamie Foxx won, and I loved his speech. Happy to see Hillary Swank wasn’t a one-hit wonder. Putting nominees for lesser awards on stage for their moment of glory was inspired. But, other than that…what else is there to remember? Chris Rock’s monologue? I think not. Sure, he managed to get through the night without an F-word, but wouldn’t the show have been better if he’d slipped? Come on, people. Give us something to talk about at the water cooler, for God’s sake.

Hollywood, are you listening? Wanna a blockbuster show for next year? Here are my suggestions:

1. Ladies, ditch those skin-tight dresses. All that Oxygen depravation can’t be good for tossing off the witty bon mot.

2. Don’t put time limits on the acceptance speeches. The longer a no-name drones on, the better the chance he/she will say something stupid enough to make fun of the next day.

3. Remember the days of Bob Hope? Johnny Carson? Find a host and stick with him. Build a tradition. Only, please. No more David Letterman, ever again. In fact, here’s what I propose: all you movers and shakers drag Billy Crystal into a room and give him that “you’ll never work in this town again” speech you’re all so famous for…sign him to a life-long contract.

4. Bring back the real stars as presenters. Sean Combs??? What the hell was he doing there?

5. Always, always, remember the “old Hollywood” for as long as some of it’s still around. And, no…just because Dustin Hoffman and Babs are getting up there, they don’t qualify yet. I wanna see guys like Paul Newman and Kirk Douglas. Hell, Mickey Rooney was in the house. Couldn’t he have presented?

6.Three words: Anna Nicole Smith

7. Forget rehearsal. We like to see stars mispronouncing names and stumbling over words. Makes them human.

8. Bring back the opening production numbers. Sure, they always sucked, but they gave us something we loved to hate.

9. Ever hear of stacking the deck? Invite at least one or two stars who are sure to be controversial. Okay, I know. You gave it the old college try with Tim Robbins and Sean Penn but see, these guys are former winners—their days of offending the Academy are over. Best go with someone whose bitterness might spill over into an entertaining diatribe.

10. Take a lesson from the Golden Globes. Serve booze and lots of it. There’s nothing better than a slightly sloshed icon trying to read the teleprompter.