I'm A Reality Show Whore

I can’t help it. Something about watching ordinary people eat bovine balls for their fifteen minutes of fame keeps me glued to the couch.

Take last night, for example. First up: American Idol. Hey, I don’t know about you, but give me a big guy earning minimum wage in Poughkeepsie who weeps at the news he’s “through to the next level”—and I’m on cloud nine. Give me a gal with big boobs, huge ego, and no voice getting the thumbs down—I’m in heaven.

Following that, ah…the bliss of a finale. Amazing Race. The king of all reality shows. This season, they started in Norway, passed through Iceland, stopped in Ethiopia, Sri Lanka, China, and Honolulu, and wound up in downtown Chicago. Eleven couples squabbling their way through the quest for a million bucks amid fascinating locales—what could be better? (The only drawback to Season 6: the wrong couple won. “Dating Snobs,” er, sorry, “Dating Models” Freddie and Kendra had a disparaging word for almost every culture they visited.) But, here’s an added bonus: “Married Entrepreneurs” Jonathon and Victoria (who alienated the entire planet with their abusive screeching) are gonna be on Dr. Phil next week!

Yes, as unpopular as my opinion seems to be, I can’t get enough of these shows. So, as a public service, I offer the top ten things I’ve learned from reality show programming:

10. Women with tight abs and huge boobs are skanky. (Think Fear Factor).

9. Only in America can a guy come out of the closet, run around naked, win a million bucks, then get caught for income tax evasion—like no one noticed he won the money. (Think Richard Hack—Survivor) Oops...I mean, Hatch--thanks, Steph

8. Even gorgeous-formerly-heavy-now-thin-women-with-more-money-
than-God-oh-wait-the-courts-just-changed-their-mind-again are f**ed up. (Think…well, do I even have to say?)

7. Has-been porn stars and former preachers make great roommates. (Think Ron Jeremy and Tammy Faye on Surreal Life)

6. Uh, whispered words and suppressed moans beneath the sheets don’t go over well with boyfriends back home. (Think Allison—Big Brother)

5. All the money in the world can’t make up for bad hair. (Think Donald Trump)

4. Money and a famous name don’t always add up to ratings. (Think Mark Cuban, Richard Branson, and those guys that did the first boxing show.)

3. Living off the land beats Atkins and Weight Watchers all to hell for losing weight. (Think Survivor)

2. In the end, it’s not always about the money. (Think Amazing Race)

1. Nice guys DO finish first (Think Ethan—Survivor Africa)

Okay, none of the above involved Paris and Nicole. Well, that’s because I haven’t watched their show. A girl’s gotta draw the line somewhere, right? So maybe I’m not a whore, after all. Maybe I’m just a slut.