Poor Paris

You just can’t catch a break, can you, girl? First the sex videos, now this whole cell phone debacle. Do ya think God was trying to tell you something when He got you that gig on The Simple Life? Like, stay away from devices that hold the private phone numbers and email addresses of your 500 closest personal friends? (Oh, and those notes on your travel preferences—sure hope you didn’t say bad things about the family biz!)

I know it wasn’t your fault, dear. It was that evil hacker that stole the info off your PDA, and believe me, he should be strung up by his toes and forced to watch Anna Nicole reruns. You know, the ones where she's still a blimp? Nevertheless, you may wanna think about lying low for awhile, and I’m here to offer suggestions.

1. Dye your hair black and spend a year on a kibbutz in Israel

2. Dye your hair brown and spend a year in Calcutta with whoever took over for Mother Theresa

3. Dye your hair red and spend a year in Sri Lanka with the tsunami victims (you heard about that, right? That whole thing about the big wave? Bummer, huh?)

Let me know what you decide. I’m a whiz at making travel arrangements, and I’m here for you.

P.S. You might wanna leave Tinkerbell at home. In some parts of the world, she might be mistaken for a snack.