Wednesday, December 21, 2005

And I'm Checkin' It Twice

I’ve been compiling my pop culture Christmas list, but since it grows bigger by the day (you know how shopping NEVER seems to end???) thought I’d go ahead and post what I’ve put together thus far.

For Tom Cruise…A kidney stone, specifically one that’s not big enough to warrant zapping, so that he has to pass it. Maybe the experience will help him re-think Scientology’s alleged prohibition against articulating pain during childbirth

For Katie Holmes…a pregnancy free of post-partum depression

For Donald Trump…humility, and of course it goes without saying, a new hair stylist.

For Kevin Federline…an air-tight prenup

For Brittney Spears…a career past January 2006

For Nicole Richie…a career

For Paris Hilton…a boyfriend who can drive while blindfolded and a breed of dog small enough to fit in her ear like a phone

For the Olsen Twins…lifetime supply of Big Macs and Krispy Cremes

For Lindsay Lohan…an extended prison stay for dear-old dad

For Anna Nicole Smith…smart pills

For Michael Jackson…any prior version of his face

For Meg Ryan…less botox, more hit films with Tom Hanks

For Joan Rivers…heavily-armed guards to prevent entry to all cosmetic surgery clinics

For Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown…continued delusion

For Angelina Jolie…a co-starring role with George Clooney

For Brad Pitt…a co-starring role with Catherine Zeta-Jones

For Jennifer Anniston…a front row seat to the future divorce proceedings and/or custody battles resulting from either of the above

For Demi Moore…a new baby. Oh, wait. She just got one.

For Renee Zeilwegger…Lessons at the Brittney Spears School of Ill-Conceived Marriages

And, last but not least, for Colin Firth…Me! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

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