From The Now I've Heard Everything File

Um, Ladies? Do you have too much time on your hands? Too much money hanging around your bank account? Not enough to worry about?

Most importantly, not enough self-esteem?

Then I invite you to investigate the newest form of self-indulgence making the rounds of America…Genital plastic surgery!

Yes, now YOU TOO can have the er…the er…perfect (as defined by men—or, at the very least Hugh Hefner)…er, well, you know…oh, let’s call a spade a spade, shall we? The perfect vagina.

According to the L.A. Times, women searching for a more “youthful look” are “having their vaginas tightened, their mons pubis liposuctioned, their labial folds nipped, and their clitoral hoods tucked.”

Euw, euw, euw. In my book, the words ‘mons pubis’ and ‘liposuctioned’ should never appear in the same vicinity. Just the thought of it makes me squirm.

Granted, some of these procedures aim at correcting physical problems resulting from childbirth and (cough) aging. I have no problem with that.

But apparently (not that I have first-hand knowledge) the popularity of the Brazilian wax has contributed to a wave of women seeking improvements purely from an aesthetic standpoint. I guess if you can see it, you can judge it, eh? Better yet, you can compare it. And, God knows, we women are all about putting ourselves up against the perfection that comes from air brushing, clever lighting, and friendly filters, aren’t we? But, geez. I mean, it’s bad enough we’re bombarded with our shortcomings in the areas people can readily see. Now, we have to worry about the rest of it? I can just picture myself in consultation with the doctor, pointing at the 8 x 10 glossy ripped from my significant other’s Playboy. “Yes, Doctor,” I’d say. “Make it look less like a blowfish and more like Miss December.”

Geesh. Kinda makes wanting lips like Angelina’s take on a whole new meaning, huh?